Those things aren't working, either.
My mother-in-law died in February--I miss her so much. I left my long-time church a couple of months ago--I miss it and the people in it so much. Sciatica has kept me from walking on the trail--I miss it so much. These are the things, I think, that are keeping me from working.
Grief, in all of its forms and at all of its stages, is a heavy burden. It is a reason for being unable to latch onto being productive. I think the Wranglers have all talked about when we should "be over it," when there is no should to it--grief doesn't punch a time clock.
When I started this post, the first words I typed were "This is new to me, this lack of interest...", but then I changed it because it's not new. It happens most times when I finish a book--it's just more intense this time because of grief as an added component. And I even know why.
It's because--and I laugh and joke about this, ha ha, no matter how funny it isn't--there is something inside me that insists each book is my last. That I've used up my allotment of those turns of phrase I mentioned last week. And characters who are fun to know and laugh and cry with. And happily-ever-afters.
Did I say grief was an added component? How wrong that is, because I grieve with every book's ending because when it really has been my last book--and I don't know when that will be or has already been--that is a loss I can't bear to contemplate. Any more than I could bear losing my mother-in-law, or leaving my church, or accepting the physical limitations of what we euphemistically term a certain age.
But we do. We do bear it. And we cherish memories and go new places when the old ones no longer fill the wells of our souls and find new ways to feel better physically. So now, even if I have written my last book--which, no, I don't really think I have--I'm still going to write. If a new book doesn't come from it, something else will.
Years ago, I wrote an essay for Senior Women Web about grief and what a gift it was. I went back to read it. It is a gift. But sometimes it's hard to be thankful for it.
Have a great week.