No, I don’t
have it. I was one of the lucky ones whose clinical depression was taken care
of by the first prescription I ever tried. The doctor said give it six months
and I was so scared of being depressed again that I gave it two years. Zoloft
and I were best buds, lemme tell you. (A writing friend mentioned the other day
that no one said “best buds” anymore, since BFF became the correct term—I’ll
bet I’ve said “best buds” 10 times since then.)
Where was I?
Oh, yeah, well, yesterday I was blue. Nothing wrong except a little
homesickness and a little closed-in-itis because our condo is small and some
serious missing-my-grandkids. Nothing, really, in the scheme of things. My
family is well, I’m well, most of us are happy, I’m happy. I knew even then that by morning, I’d be myself again.
Writing and Facebooking and drinking hot tea during those pre-dawn hours that
are my absolute favorites in every day.
But I was
still scared. What if it’s come back?
What if I have to hook up with my old buddy Zoloft again? What if this is a
premonition? What the hell’s wrong with me?
And I was
myself again this morning. I am now, when I’m thinking about going to bed. It’s
been a fun day. Church, writing, watching football (go Peyton…er…go Broncos!),
going to Walmart and laughing at my husband.
“I want some
Raisin Bran,” he said, when we were three aisles past cereal. “I could hear it
calling my name when I walked by.”
“So why didn’t
you answer it?” I huffed, turning back.
“I don’t
speak raisin.”
I’m at ease
now, comfortable once again in my own skin. It’s not coming back, that sneaky rat bastard that is depression, and even if someday it does, I’ll handle it with the help of the support system I am so blessed to have. So “all shall be well, and
all manner of thing shall be well.” (Julian of Norwich) I breathe long and
quiet sighs of relief and joy, punctuated with a little frown at the end.
Because
yesterday I was blue.
I once said something about feeling depressed to my doctor during a routine visit. He gave me samples of Cymbalta and a prescription. I took one pill in the parking lot and found I couldn't keep a single creative thought in my head that evening, which terrified the writer in me. I never took another one and I felt great the next day. Maybe sometimes all it takes is acknowledging the blues to make them go away. Hope yours stay gone!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cheryl. I was so afraid that would happen that I kept putting off doing something, but it wouldn't go away on its own. I did try Cymbalta for pain--what a mind-scrambler that was. Decided the cure was worse than the ailment!
ReplyDeleteThat was pretty much what I thought of it, too!
DeleteYour hubby cracks me up! I've never had to fight depression and I admire everyone who has and those who still are...glad your blues went away, Liz!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kristi. I was shocked when I "got" it--I've always been such a Pollyanna! But stopping smoking with medication threw me into it. I'm still glad I did it (12 years and counting!) but that was a hard side effect to deal with.
DeleteIt's funny getting older. Sometimes I get sad and there's nothing to be sad about. I blame menopause. I blame her for everything right now including the fact that there's too much laundry to do LOL I'm glad you're not blue anymore. Church helps, eh? It does for me.
ReplyDeleteLOL. Menopause is evil, is she not? Church does help. I've never found a church here that I'm truly comfortable in, but yesterday I did. Thanks for coming by, Pam.
ReplyDeleteRemember, we're always here to talk to.
ReplyDeleteI have thought of that, Sandy, wondering if there is a chat room that stays open just for writers who are having bad days. The frightening thing for me when I get the blues is that I can never find a reason for it. Thanks for coming by!
DeleteIf there isn't a chat room that stays open 24/7 for writers, we need to start one, baby! I rarely have a good reason for blue days. They just happen and I have to plow through because I can't take antidepressants. I tried when menopause became so awful and discovered that I'm the one in ten million who has seizures when she's on SSRIs. Wine helps... I'm always here, sweets, and so glad to talk if you need to, okay? Oh and tell your hubs he makes me smile! {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteOh...and I say "best buds" all the time!! I just can't do BFF,..so I stopped trying!
ReplyDeleteI was so lucky I could take them! But, yes, wine helps. Friends help. Funny husband helps, too. :-)
DeleteLiz, I found that keeping a "gratitude list" helped me through my blue days. If I couldn't think of something I was thankful for on those days, I rifled through my notebook and read about the days when everything was great. Knowing life wasn't all bad usually helped pull me out of the basement. Hope this helps -
ReplyDeleteThat's a good idea, Ashantay. What's so scary, though, is that I KNOW how good life is--especially mine--but I still get these days that are...empty. I have a long gratitude list (I kept my 30 days last year)--maybe I need to keep it closer!
DeleteI hate those kinds of days, when things are "blah" and there's no discernible reason why... Glad you're bring and shining again today :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Barb!
DeleteYou're lucky...you beat it back. I have suffered with the big D most of my life. I don't need Zoloft anymore, but I know where it is if I need it.
ReplyDeleteIt takes more than luck--you know that as well as anyone, D. You have to know the enemy.
DeleteSorry you were blue, Liz, but I'm glad it passed. My husband has suffered from severe depression for twenty years. He faithfully takes his meds, but they barely take the edge off it. It's an ugly bear - I'm glad yours generally stays in the cave.
ReplyDeleteYes, it absolutely IS an ugly bear, and I think mine was probably a two on a scale of one to ten. Hugs to you and your husband both, because I think the suffering of living with someone who has it is sometimes more than that of the actual depression victim.
DeleteSo far, so good--I haven't had to deal with depression. Although my oldest daughter was on Zoloft after her first year of college and she returned home depressed for no particular reason. That was a tough year because when you've never dealt with it before, it's hard to be sympathetic. So, for me, it was a whole new learning curve.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad it was just a "blue" day for you, though.
And I love the idea of an all-night writer's chat room!
Thanks, Margie. I think that first year of college is a walking, talking invitation! I'm glad you all came through it, but it sure is hard.
DeleteLiz, I'm happy your "blue" day passed. Sometimes for me just knowing the signs can help me get busy and see the bright side. My mother suffered from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) every winter. Sometimes a dose of sunshine just helps so much. Take care!
ReplyDeleteThat was what was worrisome about my blue day, Carolyn. I have SAD, too (I think--not diagnosed), but I was down here in the sunshine. I had NO reason for the blue day, and that was what scared me. However, I'm better now. :-) Thanks for stopping by!
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