I've often joked with friends that I'm still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. Recently,
Because really, adulating it not all its cracked up to be. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment.
Unfortunately, my vague contemplation of my future hit a reality check a couple weeks ago: I'm losing my job. The job I fell into nearly 20 years ago and which I have loved from the beginning, working for a company and with people who are fun and energizing. My particular duties are not all that glamorous, but it's been such a fun ride! But now that ride is definitely coming to a swift end. And I confess I'm feeling very adrift at the moment.
Firstly is the fact that the last time I was actively job searching, social media wasn't even a thing yet. LinkdIn and Facebook and emailing resumes... it wasn't how you did it back then. So, I'm a fossil trying to keep up with the young'uns. *sigh*
Secondly is the fact that I'm in mourning. Two decades is longer than I've had children or known my husband. Only my car has been with me that long. But the truth is that the death of my job has me experiencing the many stages of grief. Not to diminish the heart-wrenching loss of a loved one, but I've lost a bit of who I am with this, how I define myself.
Lastly is the simple fact: I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up! And the fact--the future-- is a bit terrifying. I'm floundering.
So I stare my future, rife with possibility, in the face and am filled with self-doubt. Liz's post this week reminded me how powerful self-doubt can be, and how difficult to overcome. If I wasn't good enough for my current employer to keep, why would anyone else want to employ me? Margie's post yesterday reminded me that this is an opportunity for me to be bold in my choices... but I'm not feeling at all brave, and I usually overstep "bold" and go straight to "brash," which is never a good thing.
I feel like a gambler, knowing I need to double down on something... but I'm not sure what.
So, I will brush the dust off my resume, venture into social media networking, pray, ponder the muse, roll the dice, lean on my hubby for support, and probably drink a lot of wine over the next few months. How many of us get the chance to recreate ourselves, start fresh, grab a clean slate, set off in on a new path?
I just hope it's the path I'm meant to choose.